A Parody of the Life of Skeeter Hylton :
I was born on January 15, 1935 in Roanoke Virginia. Mama Essie was undecided on a
'name' for me, but she had been reading the Bible in recent days before my birth, and picked
out the name of Philip from the Scripture.
I have always been grateful that she wasn't reading about Mary or Ruth during those days !
I was born a 'skinny' kid. . .in fact, I was so skinny that my eyes were born 'single file'. !
Daddy Hylton said I looked like a 'mosquito'. so he nicknamed me Skeeter. .and it stuck !
Later, when I went to the beach, I got a lot of sand kicked in my face !
I was also ugly. . . in fact, my parents left me on the doorstep for nine days to see whether
I was going to cry or bark !
Daddy Hylton didn't give me much advice about 'growing up', but I remember one thing
he said: "Don't Kiss the Girls, because you will make them have a baby !"
That sounds pretty preposterous until you realize that practically every pregnancy
starts with a kiss !
There was a lot of country music on the radio as I was growing up, but it didn't click
with me. . in fact, for a long time, I thought that Kitty Wells was a place where cats
went to get a drink of water. . and I thought that Ernest Tubb was just a sincere
place to take a bath !
However, later in life, I became a 'pickin n grinnin' sort of fellow.
I applied for my first life insurance policy at the age of 18, but could not qualify.
In order to get a new policy, you have to have a 'profile', and when the insurance
doctor who was checking my health asked me to turn sideways so he could view
my 'profile', I was so skinny that it looked like I had 'left the room' !
I had several jobs, but had trouble 'keeping' them.
I went to California and got a job in a wine factory. . . all I had to do all day
was to 'take off my shoes and step on grapes'. . .but they fired me because
one day they caught me 'sitting down on the job'!
Then I went to work for the Post Office, sorting mail. . . after I had been there
for awhile, the Super came by and asked me how long I had been working
there. . . when I told him 'about 45 minutes', he asked me how I had learned
to 'throw mail' so fast in 45 minutes. . of course, I replied that "Hey, if I
could read, I could throw it even faster !"
But one of the jobs I liked the best was driving a city bus in Roanoke. . .
'cause I got to tell everybody 'where to get off' !
I didn't have much luck in marriage, although I tried and tried. ..
My first wife was my high school sweetheart. . she talked like an 'angel' and
she acted like an 'angel' . . then one day she just 'flew away'. . .
So I tried again. . .this time I married a college graduate. . she had gone to a
four year College of Aggravation, and had graduated in two years. . .
With Honors !
Still not discouraged, I tried again. . . she had been over in Viet Nam, which
impressed me. . .until I learned that the real reason they sent her over
there was to 'teach the natives how to fight dirty"!
I spent several years in Florida, and saw some 'sights' while there. .
for instance, one day a man was seen on top of an 11-story building in
Clearwater. . . they thought he was going to commit suicide, so the
police were called. . .when they encountered him, he told them that
he was not committing suicide, but was attempting to 'fly'. . .he had
eight seagulls tied to his arms, and when they tried to pull him away
from the edge of the building, he jumped. . .and he was doing alright
until someone threw a box of popcorn down on Cleveland Street !
Another day, while at the beach, a 'fin' was spotted in the water. . so, as
they always did, they called everyone out of the water and sent a helicopter
up to check on it. . . but it turned out to be a 'false alarm'. . .as it turned out,
a man who had drank too much was just trying to take a short cut to
Mexico in his '65 Cadillac !
I was in Florida when the Bucs arrived in 1976. I even saw their very first
practice. . .but, of course, they were horrible as a team, and proceeded to
lose their first 26 games. . .we usually went to see their games just so we
could see the 'visiting' team play. . .in fact, after several games, they still
had not scored a touchdown. . then it happened !
Cleveland came to town and late in the game, Buc RB Vince Kendrick
ran around left end and had a clear path to the End Zone from 13 yards
out. . .but we didn't think he would score 'cause we figured that the
Buc Luck was so bad that he would probably have a 'heart attack'
before he scored.. but he didn't and he did, but they missed the extra
point, so Cleveland prevailed 24-6 !
Now I have returned to my hometown of Roanoke as a Senior Citizen,
where I am livin' and lovin' life. . . although in my advanced years,
when I go from one room to another in my Mayflower Room on
Windsor, I usually forget 'why. . .
So, keep your head up, and head for the Green. .
and I'll See 'ya on Down the Road !
phil hylton
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